Schmucks: I joined 'em!

It's 2pm on a Wednesday. You're out on the road again, and you're not alone. There are others like you, plying the afternoon trade, taking care of the business of the day. You know who you are. You, sir or madame, are a Schmuck. And these days, so am I.

After all these years of making disparaging remarks about Schmucks, I discovered the Schmuck within, and have learned to embrace it. Slowly but surely, I'm learning the tricks of the schmuck trade. By no means is it an easy road, Schmucking; it takes effort, and quite a bit of tactical cunning. Here are some of the key tenets of living a fulfilling life as a Schmuck.

Bumper Riding

How do you recognize a Schmuck? It's not about appearance, or clothing, or any particular sense of style or taste. To lure a Schmuck out of his hiding spot, you need only drive the speed limit or a few miles over it. Within seconds the Schmuck will reveal himself, and he will be right on your bumper, so close that you can see him leaning over his steering wheel, angling for some daylight to pass.

More so than language, driving posture is the preferred mode of communication for Schmucks. And it's actually a very easy language to pick up because there are only a few phrases to learn. Riding your bumper like tightie whities jammed into a butt-crack after a long journey, for example, means "I'm better than you", "I'm more important than you," "I have places to be," and "My car is nicer than yours." It's also the Schmuck's way of simply saying hello, so remember to return the favor when you notice someone observing the legal speed limit.

Midday Arguing

Schmucks like to have arguments in broad daylight. Here's one example.

Last week I encountered a Schmuck while dining at Whole Foods - a haven for Schmucks like me. I was placing a healthy plate of green beans, squash, and curried turkey into the microwave when suddenly a middle-aged woman with a graying pony-tail emerged from the shadows. Actually, I should clarify something about Schmucks: Schmucks hate shadows or any dark places -- they prefer to be seen -- so let's say she didn't emerge from anywhere, she was just there.

"It's a shame what you're doing to all that fresh food," she said, "Just zapping the nutrients right out of it."

This Schmuck meant business, and being a Schmuck-in-training, I knew I couldn't possibly battle a Schmuck of this caliber. I backed off. "Oh I'm just gonna heat it up for a few seconds," I said.

But she wasn't appeased. "Doesn't matter," she persisted, "Even a few seconds kills all the nutrients."

Though I should have capitulated and lived to Schmuck another day, this lady really brought the Schmuck out in me. "Well," I said, noticing that she had just added some cream to her coffee, "You probably shouldn't be putting Half and Half in your coffee." Then I went for the Schmuckular by adding, "It'll give you cancer."

Probably that last comment was beyond what any Schmuck would say. It was mean, but it was all I had. It was like calling the bully on the playground fat because it was the only thing you knew might put a chink in his armor. In this case, it worked. The gray poly-tailed Schmuck was disarmed by my comment and attempted to inject a little humor into our exchange. "I'm old," she said, "and I only have two vices left -- coffee and sex!"

At that point I worried less about my food and my feelings and started to wonder whether she was propositioning me. Schmucks are interesting like that; one second they're telling you how to live your life, the next second they're trying to get you in the sack.

Drive everywhere, and buy a drink wherever you go

Schmucks like me love going around by car, and our main task is to perform as many errands as possible during the late morning and afternoon hours (if you haven't figured it out yet, Schmucks do not currently have jobs). Errands are easier to perform with a drink in hand, most often a coffee or coffee-based drink but sodas (in particular diet sodas) will also suffice. Schmucks love Jamba Juice.

Drinks perpetuate the life cycle of the Schmuck.Wherever I go, I must have a drink, and the inverse is also true: whenever I have a drink in hand, I must go somewhere.  Sometimes, as a card-carrying Schmuck, I go somewhere just to get a drink, spend some time in the store drinking my drink, and then go back home.  I could easily make the drink at home but it's the getting of the drink that gives a Schmuck his purpose in life.

Drinks, and empty drink receptacles, are staple crops in Schmuckville.  Drink up, Schmucks!